by: Ava Guerrero (PNX)

Be yourself.

It’s a cliché that I always hear from people who seemingly do not feel any sort of insecurities, who do not care of what other people might think of them, who aren’t afraid to voice out their opinions, who aren’t reluctant to ignite a fight when somebody dares to confront them. Be yourself. Be yourself. Be yourself.

This mantra has been long used to increase a person’s self-esteem, to give them a sense of superiority or to boost up their confidence. It can be heard in TV commercials, teen mags, and even posters endorsing a face-powder product. But sad to say, it doesn’t work for me. Seeing myself as a person who exudes great amounts of confidence shrinks into some kind of drama and I’m the lead star. It becomes unnatural.

The more I try to be confident the more I feel that I am just pretending to be someone I am not. The more I try to rid myself of inhibitions, the more the mask of pretension thickens and tightens. I strongly disagree that you should always be yourself, taking into consideration the meaning it implies. I disagree that should you only act upon your own will all the time, without considering the probable outcome of your actions, or mulling over on what others may think of you or feel about you. This is the reason why I have those inhibitions.

The reason why I do not easily give in to the bitter cravings of my flesh. The proper mantra for me should be, “Think before you act”. Is this morally correct? Will it hurt somebody’s feelings? Will it destroy my dignity and reputation? Will they get mad? Will it stir up trouble or bring about peace? Some people would side-step those questions easily. They would speak themselves out saying that they don’t care. As long as they’re being themselves at that moment in time, they think there’s nothing wrong. Before, I was sort of obliged to think and act that way.

My mind was fed with that kind of principle. But I sensed something was wrong, it was not a perfect idea at all. What if it is already wrong being myself? Humans commit mistakes and mistakes committed can never be justified by saying that humans are humans and to err is human. What room is there for change? Is it justifiable to say that I was being a truthful liar? Is it right to say that because I am a braggart, then people should accept that, instead of trying to be humble at times? Some people could openly say that they are stingy for example.

I even know a person who is applauded for being bad-mouthed. Why? They admire his being true to himself. They like the way he speaks himself out. They do not see that what he does is wrong cause it is over-shadowed by that mantra. As I have noticed, people like these don’t want to be called hypocrites. So what would they do? They’d keep on doing those things albeit the fact that those things are wrong just to be spared from being conceived as someone who pretends. Most people are engulfed in that kind of mentality. That if you do something against your own will, then you are being pretentious, you’re on the wrong track. You are called a hypocrite or ‘plastic’ as widely used by Filipinos. This is a great misconception, in my opinion.

What is wrong in controlling yourself when needed? Is it wrong to oppose your own will if you know for yourself that it is wrong? Should you not use your mind more often instead of letting go of your emotions that easily? Should you always need to spill out your feelings if you know it isn’t necessary and would just stir things up all the more? Should you not keep quiet in those moments when you like to scream yourself out? Like what I’ve stated earlier, when I try to show people that I am fearless, that I don’t care how the world sees me, all the more I become pretentious, cause in reality I don’t always say, what I really want to say.

Being myself all the time would only bar me from any proper and more acceptable attitude I should have elicited during a certain situation or scenario. I do not fancy spurting out words that will only hurt others feelings just to let out mine. If rambling about my own feelings would only cause others to feel badly about themselves rather than console them, I’d better keep them to myself. That facet of me is always misinterpreted. What should I expect? That’s better I guess than to unhesitantly prattle about how ugly a person is just because it is the truth.

I do not objectively create a norm for everyone to follow. It’s just my own norm, my own creed. It’s just my own opinion, my own analysis. It’s just that not because you replace harsh words with kind words then you’re being pretentious. The truth is, it brings about good relationships, instead of hostility towards one another. I think through that, a person’s real being is revealed.

by: Elaine de Villa

I am married for 7 months now. I feel so blessed for I have found my husband. Wala na nga akong mahihiling pa sa Diyos sa pagbibigay niya sa akin ng taong tulad niya. We got married last September 28, 2002 after our 4 years of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Many said that our wedding is a perfect one. We are so happy that until now some people still remember how beautiful our wedding day was and how some of them wanted to ask for our help as they prepare for their wedding. We were engaged for about a year and we prepared for our wedding for a year too. May be, that made our wedding beautiful and organized.

At present, we already have our own house and lot. Kaya nga ang saya kasi kami lang talaga ng asawa ko ang magkasama sa bahay. Magkasabay at magkasama naming sinimulan ang lahat. Dito namin ipinagpapatuloy ang lahat ng aming mga pangarap at plano sa aming binubuong pamilya. Mabait ang asawa ko, maasikaso… He is really my angel… Siya ba yong tipo ng lalaking hindi mo na kailangan pang sabihin na tulungan ka… He helps me in household chores… basta lagi kaming magkatulong sa lahat ng gawain sa bahay. Mas lalo ko nga siyang minamahal. Sa pagdaan ng mga araw, mas lalo kong nakikita ang tunay na siya. Sobra na akong masuwerte for having him talaga in my life and I can’t thank God enough for this blessing.

We always have open communication. At night, before we sleep, we pray together, sometimes he leads the prayer, sometimes, i am the one who lead. We become more close lalo na ngayon na buntis na ako sa aming first baby!!! Sobrang sarap na pakiramdam na kasama ko siya sa maraming sandali ng aking paglilihi at hirap na pinagdadaanan dala ng aking pagbubuntis. Sabi ko nga, ano ba’ng kabutihan ang nagawa ko para bigyan ako ng Diyos ng taong katulad niya.

Pero alam nyo ba na may heartaches din ang aming love story? It happened before we got married; it was 2001! How can I ever forget that day???

He was still studying in one of the colleges in Manila and he was in his fourth year (college). That was Holy Week 2001…

He had his OJT in one of the big companies in Makati. Doon may nakilala siyang isang babae na nag-OJT din. Bagamat one week lang silang nagkasama, nagkaron sila ng communication that made them somehow get themselves know better. Hindi ko nga siguro nakita ang closeness na yon pero naramdaman ko na agad nang sabihin pa lang ng BF ko na sabay silang nag-lunch nong girl. Iba nga siguro ang babae kasi me intuition power tayo na wala ang mga lalaki. Iba na agad ang pakiramdam ko dahil doon. Pag-uwi nya ng weekend, magkasama kami dalawa ng tumawag ung girl sa celfone ng BF ko, though he didn’t answer the call. Wala lang daw yon. Lalo akong nagduda at napaiyak pa nga ako pero he made me believe that IT WAS REALLY NOTHING! Bagamat nagkagalit kaming dalawa, naayos pa rin yon. Pagbalik nya sa Manila, I received text messages from him na hindi naman para sa akin ang mga messages na yon. Alam ko, don pa lang na-sure ko na there’s something going between them. Tumawag ako sa kanya at sinabi ko na umuwi na sya kasi gusto ko syang makausap tungkol don. Pag-uwi naman nya, wala akong hininging paliwanag. Sabi kasi nya, wrong sent din daw yon, forward lang nya sa akin. Ewan ko rin kung bakit wala akong nagawa, hindi ko nagawang magalit sa kanya. It was Holy Week so he had to go home. (a neighboring town) The next morning, wala lang na nag text ako sa kanya. Sabi ko: Mahal mo pa ba ako?” Hindi nya sinagot ang text ko. Sinabi lang nya eh magkita daw kami. Don pa lang, alam ko na na “he’s falling with that girl he met.”

I will never ever forget that day! Wala syang nasabi kundi Sorry. Umiyak lang ako. Alam ko na agad. Sobrang sakit pala pag ganon. Pagtingin ko sa kanya, umiiyak din siya. He was blaming himself. Hindi daw nya yon ginusto. Ganon ba yon, pagkatapos ng 2 years naming pagsasama, basta na lang siya aalis, basta na lang hindi na nya ako mahal. Isinoli ko sa kanya yong engagement ring na bigay nya sa akin. (Masakit talaga kasi nga may mga plano na kami para magpakasal though matagal na matagal pa.) Sa tindi ng sakit na naramdaman ko lalo na ng tanggapin nya ang singsing na isinoli ko (umasa siguro ko na di nya yon tatanggapin), sinuntok ko sya. Di ko alam kung gaano yon kalakas. (malakas kasi talaga akong sumuntok palibhasa ako lang ang anak na babae).

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit at paano nangyari. Umalis na ako kasi alam ko naman na wala talaga. He asked for his freedom. panahon para makapag-isip at para makasiguro sa kanyang nararamdaman. He even told me that he’s going to the girl’s place kasi may date sila. Kaya alam ko rin sa sarili ko na malabo na nga para magkabalikan pa kami lalo pa at pakiramdam ko naman na may gusto rin sa kanya yong babae. I was about to go home pero paglingon ko ay kasunod ko pa rin sya. Nagalit pa nga ako kasi nga wala na kami. Wala na syang pakialam sa akin. Pero di siya umalis. Dahil don, naisip ko na ganon pala, hindi ako pumayag na magkahiwalay kami kasi nga ayaw ko naman talaga eh. Hindi na nga siya nagkaron ng panahon para makapag-isip at makasiguro sa kanyang sarili. Basta lang ayoko at alam ko lang na I will not give up. hindi ako papayag na mawala sya sa akin. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kakikilala pa lang nya sa babaeng yon, kami matagal na. Marami na kaming napagdaanan at kahit di ko narinig sa kanya na mahal pa nya ako. hindi ako umalis. Sa maniwala kayo at sa hindi, we spent the whole night of that unforgettable Good Friday sa kalye. Lakad lang kami ng lakad. I did not gave up kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na “I have found the one whom my soul loves and I would like to spend my whole life forever.” Sa buong magdamag na magkasama kami, nalaman ko sa kanya ang buong kwento. Masakit talaga. Di ko nagawang magalit sa kahit kanino. He returned the ring at sinabi nya sa akin na wag na wag ko na raw ibabalik yon sa kanya kahit kailan. Para sa akin lang daw talaga yon. Early morning, sinabi ko sa kanya na tawagan nya yong girl. Sya na ang makipag-usap. Wala naman kasing kasalanan yong girl.

Gumawa ako ng paraan para makilala yong babae. Nakausap ko sya through chatting. Nagpakilala ako sa kanya na bestfriend ako ng BF ko kaya alam ko ang buong pangyayari. Nalaman ko na isa siyang achiever, a consistent honor student since high school at running for magna cum laude sa isang kilalang university. She even joined beauty contests at nananalo pa nga siya. In short, maganda siya. Nalaman ko pa na we both came from the same school in high school. Nalaman ko rin na she was really actually falling in love with my BF. mahal na nga daw nya (naisip ko, buti di ako nag-give up. pero naisip ko rin. walang-wala pala ako sa kanya.) Baka nga dapat eh sila na lang ng BF ko. Pero nagpakilala rin ako sa kanya. Naging chatmate ko sya, eventually nagpapalitan kami ng e-mail tapos text mate ko na rin sya. Somehow, naging friends na rin kami. She’s a sweet person, me mga insecurities din pala.

There were times that I just cried. Parang nawalan na ako ng bilib sa aking sarili. Pakiramdam ko, masyado lang akong nagpilit kaya di kami nagkahiwalay ng BF ko. Hindi ko na makita sa sarili ko na siguro maganda rin naman ako. (parang pinaniwala ko lang talaga ang sarili ko na maganda nga ako) Marami ang nagsasabi na may dating naman daw talaga ang BF ko. Ang hirap ng naramdaman ko.

Pagkatapos ng mga nangyari, nag-usap kami, heart-to-heart talk ba, ng BF ko. Hiningi nya na magtiwala akong muli sa kanya. Na sana ay mahalin ko pa rin sya (di naman kasi nawala ang pagmamahal ko. nagkalamat lang siguro). Na sana ay makalimutan ko na ang nangyari, na sana ay bumalik na sa dati ang relationship namin. Alam ko sa sarili ko, nagtitiwala na ako sa kanya pero nasasaktan pa rin ako at natatakot. Sabi nya, wag na raw akong makipag-usap don sa girl para makalimutan ko na nga ng tuluyan. Sabi ko naman, gusto ko kaya kong harapin sya kung magkikita kami at gusto kong mapatunayan na wala na nga ang sakit ng loob na naramdaman ko.

That was very tough experience! That made us stronger I believe. Thankful pa nga ako kasi we realized so many things with what happened to us. Masaya na kami at hanggang ngayon, alam ko at naniniwala ako na ginusto talaga ito ng Diyos. And I thank Him always kasi siguro binulungan ako ng Diyos na “I had to fight for my love!”

i really consider myself so lucky and full of love and blessings. definitely, i am so sure of him really and di ko naman itataya ang aking kaligayahan for life kung di ako sure. I JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE FOUND THE SOUL WHOM MY SOUL LOVES… FOREVER… and i always thank God for that experience happened to us. i just realized that i really love him and that he loves me more than i love him… i can see it from all the things he had done and has been doing. he even become sweeter and so thoughtful. i can feel that love that i really treasure… so much. God is really soooo sooo good to me for he gave him to me. siguro nga, i’ll be forever regreting if i let him go and i gave up… He must have His own plans for us… That incident made us closer and stronger anyways and if it did not happen… there’ll be no more realizations on that side of our love story.

That is why i vowed to love and accept him, in good times or in bad, now and forever… the only way i know how… fully, truly, completely and unconditionally.

by: Monmon

Greeted by fellow numbed coffee-enthusiasts, I found a hostile sit for two at the attic. The lady barista warmly greeted me, as if she knew me. I gave a nod then asked for my coffee drip.

“House-blend decaff, tall size, for here, in a mug please,” I said, before she could further clarify my desired brew herself. She asked me if I wanted to add banana bread or ensaymada.

I thought maybe she remembered my usual must-have orders before. But I doubt it. That was almost six months ago. Before I could pay, I grabbed two chocolate wafer sticks and placed them on the tray.

The barista then asked me, “Kamusta na kayo?” I just took my change, took it as crew’s hospitality, and tried to smile. Yeah. She remembered me. Nothing significant really changed with the way I looked, anyway. I dress the same just as before, and perhaps that made me easy to recognize.

At the back of my mind I wondered, “Siya kaya, naaalala din ako? Uh, nah, forget about her.”

I could feel the warmth of my perfectly blended coffee with six sachets of brown sugar in it as its aroma blended with the air. The cheese of my ensaymada melted well that it only took me four bites to consume it.

Wow, that morning seemed to be like a completely worry-free day – no deadlines, no heavy workload, and no reason to hurry up for office. It was past 11 a.m.

Minutes later, I grabbed my jacket and loose sketchpad, and headed out of the store. I didn’t take my usual pathway as I went back to work that day. I took the short cuts instead to get to the office faster. I trekked the two-meter wide pedestrian walkway between the two enclosed parking lots fronting the two gargantuan twin towers where I work.

What I thought was a “one fine day” instantly seemed to turn out the opposite. My mind suddenly clouded as I saw Christine walking across my direction. She looked more beautiful than ever in her red tops! Though I love to see those smiles perfectly drawn on her face, her pretty eyes and fragile lips, I felt so ashamed that I can’t even lift my head and look at her in the eye. Instead, I played stupid, pretended that I was busy “texting” and in a hurry, and didn’t even recognize her. I herd my heartbeat thump louder than my footsteps, as our paths got closer. The walkway is too narrow that I felt our shoulders almost touched. Collided. I was freezing cold hearing her sweet voice once again while she was speaking to her companions walking before her.

I’m not sure if she ignored me too by purpose but somehow it’s a good thing she didn’t bother to greet me. I could’ve said or done the most “duh” thing if she did still try to get my attention. Though I have a few memorized lines prepared before hand, I knew at that certain moment, nothing would come out of my mouth. I still love her.

She was the person the lady barista was referring to, earlier at the coffee shop when she asked me “Kamusta na kayo?”.

Six months ago, I asked the same lady barista to buy flowers at the nearby stall secretly, and give it to Christine. They would normally serve our orders a little delayed then because the concoction she loves take a worthy time to prepare, and it would be perfect then if together upon serving is a bouquet of peach Columbian mums to fire up my café diskarte.

But the moons and the stars were not generous that day that our cupid collaboration never transpired. Instead, in a rainy afternoon, a teary-eyed conversation happened exactly where I sat earlier that morning.